Monday, July 9, 2012


This has been on my mind so although it's a bit off my usual path, I'm going to talk about it today.

I'm talking about respecting men. Not respecting the man you already have, that is a whole different subject, but about choosing a man who you do respect.

I hear so many young ladies talking about their boyfriends in terms of, sweet, sensitive, soul-mate, no one else understands him,  we "get" each other, he "needs" me.  Girls, I'm going to give it to you straight: God will give you girlfriends to be sweet and sensitive. What you want to MARRY is a man who you look up to and respect.

Is he a provider? Is he self-sacrificing?  Here's the thing, you need a man who, even when you completely disagree with the decision he makes, you can truly respect and know that he's making the best decision he knows for his family.  What you need is a man who even when you don't like him (and yes, those days will happen) you still respect him and trust him.

I see so many young ladies who are dating "projects", not men.
 Ladies, healing the fragile, broken, psyche of that sweet, tormented boy is not your job, most especially if he is your boyfriend/fiance. Yes, I know that as wives we are to be helpmeets, but there is a large difference between being his helpmeet and mothering him.

  No man is perfect, we are all human and we all come with some kind of baggage.  The more dysfunctional families and society become, the more likely it will be that your choice of companion is someone who does have baggage, even significant hurt.  Can I say again that fixing the young man is not your job?  Let him be mentored by a man and learn to be a man, then later if you become his wife, you can be is safe place, his soft place to fall, his haven. What you can't be (or shouldn't be) is having to constantly stroke his ego and hold him up. 

I was recently talking with a newly-wed who was wondering if it was ok for her to  tell her in-laws to "stuff it (her words)."  I advised her that no matter how badly they treated her husband, and let's face it, there are many very dysfunctional families who really might need to be told to stuff it, SHE couldn't do it.  Not simply for the fact that it would be rude, but because her job is not to step in and protect her husband, but to stand by him. There are many ways that women can emasculate their men and one of the best (worst?) would be to go over his head and tell his parents to stop being mean. Yikes. What would be next? The wife calling and telling her husband's boss off?
The thing is, I would much rather try and get ladies to understand this before they are married.

Do you respect your boyfriend? Or maybe a better gauge would be, do other men respect him?
Does he make hard decisions and stick to them?
Is he selfish?  Does he want what he wants, when he wants it, or is he able to delay gratification (without whining about it?)
If he gets a traffic ticket  (or some other consequence) does he accept it or whine about it?
Does he brag about doing things and getting away with it?
Has he ever blown off work to go have a fun time with you or "the boys?" (this would be a huge red flag)
Is he respected at work? (Because I know you aren't considering dating or marrying a guy who isn't working.)

I know, I know, the tortured artist suffering soul is SO much more interesting than basic, boring, and stable guys, but what we are looking for here is RESPECT, not RESCUE.  I'm not blaming young ladies for this; we've been telling you for so long to "make sure you get a guy who respects you!" (and that is true too) but I honestly don't think I've ever heard anyone tell young ladies to make sure to pick a man who they can respect.  Don't focus so much on him respecting you that you end up with a broken boy who you can lead around instead of a mature man who can lead a home.

People change, people grow, people mature. This is a process and should be ongoing. You will change after marriage and so will he, but if the basic foundations aren't there, marriage is no place to try and get them established. 

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