Fully Involved

I have a friend who is a constant joy and encouragement to me.  (No, she doesn't come clean my house or do my laundry, although, if someone feels led, I promise I will blog about you too!)  The thing that makes me eager to spend even a few minutes with this lovely lady is how full of joy she is about God's redemptive power.  It bubbles out of her even if you aren't talking about spiritual things, and when you are, it just overflows .
The awareness of just how much God has done in her life is an ever-present light that just surrounds her.
She isn't merely grateful for being saved; no, she relishes in the grace that redeemed her, reformed her, made her completely new and fresh and reborn in Him.  The transformation is truly a beautiful thing.  She has her own testimony to give and I look forward to the day when that is written up and shared, but for now, yes, she lived in a deep, dark place, a place of pain and hatred and hurt, a place that many of us loathe to even think about. That is all past and is so foreign to the bright and beautiful lady I know today that it is unimaginable.

So this brings me to what I want to share today. I ask in advance that you stay with me, I understand that some may be shocked or even offended by the very idea that I would say this out loud, but friends, I believe that the Lord gave it to me a few days ago and I've been thinking about it ever since.

We all know that Jesus Christ came to earth and suffered a horrible, torturous death on the cross to pay for our sins. He gave his life and spilled his blood for our salvation and transformation. It is this miracle that my friend  lives her life daily basking in the glory of.  And really, she needed it.  But me, why don't I find myself overwhelmed by this same grace, this same mercy, this same sacrifice?  Perhaps..., no, surely not. Surely none of us that have experienced God's saving grace would ever think that Jesus didn't need to go quite that far for us?
No. We would never say this, or even think it, but subconsciously, do we live it?  Are we under-whelmed by Jesus's death because maybe in our case a good beating would have done the trick?  After all, my sins are quite minor compared to others.  There really wasn't a lot of saving and redeeming to be done in my case. The whole blood-death-sacrifice seems a bit overkill.

When these thoughts first came to my mind and heart, my reaction was, "Lord! of course not! I'm very grateful for what you suffered for me, for your shed blood that paid for my salvation, for the old rugged cross that ...."  Yeah. I went there. I quoted hymns to God.
Gently he continued to speak to my heart. "I know you don't THINK it, but do you act it?  Is my sacrifice something you pull up to ponder at Easter?  I know you are overwhelmed with life and all the trials and challenges. I'm not asking for you to devote hours each day dancing before me with praise, but it would be nice if every once in a while you were lost in the sea of my grace and goodness, that it registered with you how fully involved I am in your salvation and redemption."

"Fully involved."  I hadn't thought about it like that before.  When God made the plan to save us, he didn't hold anything back. Jesus was fully involved. This wasn't a part time gig, it wasn't a sideline, it wasn't, "I'll take 33 years off from running the universe to hop down to earth and redeem those humans."  The decision to make this sacrifice, to put on humanity, to die, to face down sin and defeat Satan, this is something that forever altered eternity.

I don't ever want to live in a manner that even suggests that I do not need Jesus' full sacrifice. I don't want my heart-song to be half-hearted. The sin that bound me, that separated me from God, that made me unholy and unfit to stand before him is just as dirty, just as loathsome, just as painful as any other sin.  He took it all away, he removed the barrier that stood between my soul and God's holiness by nailing it to the cross (Colossians 2:14); it took the very same sacrifice, the same torturous death to redeem MY sinful soul as it does for anyone else's.

I have asked God to give me a new glimpse at where my heart would be without his salvation; I've asked him to quickly convict me should I ever cease to be as fully involved in my praise as he was in my redemption. I want to be so full of awareness of what he has done for me that it overflows, that it is contagious, that it draws people and reflects back to God. 

Mud Wrestlin' - The Competitive Woman

Two in a series of how women treat each other...and what to do about it. 

Competition. It's what makes the world go 'round...right?

I've never, ever, been at all interested in sports, or even competitive games, but I have to admit, I do have a streak that makes me want to make the highest score in the class, or at least the highest score possible. I truly don't mind if others share that score with me, just don't let anyone be higher than me. I remember crying once in high school over making a 98% on a final exam.  I would have rather made a 94% than come so close and still not achieve perfection, so yeah, the competition thing, apparently there is a speck of it even in little old me.

In many ways competition can be a good thing, causing us to strive to do our very best.  However, there is an uglier side to it and when paired with our own insecurities (and yes, we all have those as well), the outcome can get nasty.

We've all witnessed this.  Someone is the established queen o' the kitchen and someone new comes in sporting their fabulous recipes. Or perhaps they are a better piano player, or you've always directed the Christmas play and now the powers that be dared to give someone else a shot at it.   I don't need to give many examples, you know what I'm talking about.
Sometimes though it's not even that someone is actually better than we are, it's that we perceive them to be a threat.
We keep chickens.  Let me tell you a few things about hens. They are loud, they squawk, they announce with pride their own accomplishments (and there are few sounds more grating than a hen laying her egg), they can't keep their trap shut even when it would benefit them (give a hen a treat and she immediately has to spread the news. And no, I'm not giving them credit for wanting to share the treats, because they will attack anyone who gets too close, they just want to brag that they got a treat and you didn't.) You've heard of the expression, "the pecking order", oh yes, it's true.  A new bird doesn't have to show a threat, she merely has to show up and someone will perceive her as a threat. It may not be the top lady, but somewhere down the line, one girl will decide that this new chick is a problem and begin to persecute her.  What? you say this sounds familiar and you have never even seen a chicken?  Mmm hmm, there is a reason why a derogatory term for women is "hens."

We've seen it. We may have even done it.  Snide remarks from the sidelines. Rejoicing silently (or not so silently) when others fail. One-upping each other over anything... kids, crafts, cooking, singing. Slinging mud. It's a constant chorus of "anything you can do, I can do better..."

Oh sisters, it's ugly, and it's among us...in us. But it has no place in ladies who are redeemed and filled with the Holy Spirit.  It's hurtful to our target and makes us appear weak and petty to those witnessing it.  It's unwholesome, unladylike, and ungodly.  Girls, we gots to get RID of it. Here are a few thoughts on how we can work on it.

1. Own it.  Even if you think that you are keeping this attitude pretty private, chances are that the longer you let it fester, the more it's going to come public, or may have already.  If you know that you have a "thing" with a particular lady, examine yourself!  "Oh it's just a personality clash, I don't truly dislike her!"  Hmm... Ask God to show you the deep parts of your heart. Ask a trusted sister to "get real" with you  and tell you if they see issues. Often this competitive spirit can be traced back to feelings of insecurity, the attacks are merely a symptom of other problems that need to be dealt with, but we can't take out our issues on others while we work through them either.

2. Confess it.  To God of course first, but really, if you have made any "zingers" to anyone else, you should apologize to them too.  How about your target?  This one can get tricky.  If the lady honestly has no idea that you have been gunning for her, it can be a wee bit disconcerting to have someone come up and say, "hey, I'm sorry that I've had a bad attitude toward  you, disliked you, and mocked you."   On the other hand, if she knows (and if you've had the attitude for any length of time, she does), you must apologize and ask forgiveness.  With an open heart ask God to show you exactly how much apologizing you need to do; this is also a  good place to seek counsel from someone.

3. Change it.  My personal church background seemed to have put a lot of  emphasis on praying about it and very little on actually doing something about it.  Please understand, I'm not knocking the idea of praying about it, and asking God for help (without him, it's just a self-help program),  but at some point we need to exercise self-control and simply rein it in.
Attitudes change from the inside. If possible, seek to truly become friends with her. If that isn't going to happen (not everyone is meant to be best friends) then at least look for opportunities  to (openly) admire her skills and truly appreciate how she is a benefit to your church or group.  Another thing is to pray for her.  I admit that at first it is just words, but there is something powerful in prayer and when you pray God's blessing on someone, after a while, a change comes over your own heart and you simply can't hate them any longer.

4. Accountability.  Is there someone who can  help you break this attitude and habit?  (do you see a theme here? accountability, it's a good thing.  perhaps a future post)  Best would be someone who sees you with her, but if not, then just someone who will ask you how it's going and encourage you along.

Romans 12:2 tells us to be transformed by the renewing of our minds, and Ephesians 4:32 teaches us to be kind and tenderhearted toward each other.  Jesus also said in John 13:35 that we will be known as his followers by the love we show each other.
Ask God to make these verses real to you, ask him to show you if there is other scriptures that would be meaningful to you on this topic, climb out of the mud and extend a hand of friendship.


This article was mostly written shortly after the last one, but I hesitated in posting it because I didn't think I had this issue and therefore wasn't suited to address it.  I'm chagrined to say that the Lord has shown me that indeed there is indeed a little bit of competitiveness in me.  Apparently I have this need to be the wittiest, cleverest person in the room. I am compelled to have the last word (and oh how my last word is amusing!). I even tried to explain to God that actually, this is ok, my friends LIKE it. However, he had the last word and asked me to consider situations in which there may be someone who is more reserved, perhaps it took a very real effort to even speak up, and instead of truly considering them, I used their statement as a springboard for my own witty repartee.  Ouch.  Lord help me to monitor my tongue, help me learn to be willing to let opportunities to show off slide on by so that others may be truly heard. I never want to crush the spirit of a shyer person who may have had a hard time speaking up in the first place. Temper my mouth, may I always consider others first. 

Up On a Pedestal- The Unreachable Woman

This is the first in a short series of how women treat each other. I'll be thinking about what happens when there is too much admiration, next,  too much competition, and then finally, too much judgement. 

We have all been taught and admonished to not ignore the less popular,  the misfits,  the new person. We extend ourselves to make them feel welcome and may even pat ourselves on the back for our inclusiveness.

Today I want to talk about the girl on the other end of the spectrum  The one who through no fault of her own has been put in a a pedestal.  There she sits, admired by all, but befriended by few.  Hear me, I'm not talking about one who is stuck up or believes themselves to be above everyone, no, this girl is truly admired and looked up to; perhaps too far up to. I've known several ladies like this.  Every comment I have ever heard was spoken with sincerity and esteem,  "She is the best organizer, mom, teacher, cook, hostess...she's even slim. <insert wishful sigh> I don't know how she does it."
The result is that we look up to these ladies as a goal to aspire to, not a friend to have. I'm too messy for her to want me. I'll just grab another disheveled, disorganized, fast-food-feeding, temper-losing, (you know, LIKE ME) girl to be friends with, and maybe someday, clutching at each other for support, we can be something like Her.

I was recently at an event and struck up conversation with another lady. In the course of our talking, I began singing the praises of a specific group I used to belong to.  This lady had been a member at the same time, so I assumed she would have the same beatific memories I had.  Instead a look crossed her face and she asked, "You got all that from this group?"  Well of course I did! Didn't you?
No. No, she had not.  She was excited to join, open for friendship, not a  bit stand-offish, actively seeking (not just hoping for) relationship, but it just didn't seem to happen for her.  She even asked me why I though it might have happened (or didn't happen)  this way for her.

At the time I didn't have an answer; same group, same time, doing the same things, why do some come away with dear, life-long, friendships and others come away still longing?  After some considering, I think that at least part of the answer in her case may be that people assumed that she was so accomplished and so  popular that she didn't need them as a friend.  I know for certain that I have done this.  I'm good at some things and not good at some things and downright struggle with other things, and for the most part, I'm ok with that (or at least getting ok with it). I see in most of my friends that they also have strengths and weaknesses and that is a comforting thing.  Then I see ladies who just "have it all together" and I assume that they wouldn't need me or want me, that I have nothing to offer, so I don't even make an effort.

The truth is that no one has it all together to the point where they simply can't use another friend. I have an amusing memory of the time when the ice finally broke between myself and my friend G.  I had known her for quite some time and admired her.  She was good friends with several of my good friends, but I just wouldn't approach her... I  had her so far up on a pedestal that I wouldn't let myself get close.  One day we were working on a craft in a Ladies Group and making wreaths for our front doors.  Hers had great colors, a jaunty bow... and was stiff as a board. Flowers marching in strict order up both sides with the bow in the absolute bottom center.  She held it up and in a dismayed voice pronounced that it just wasn't RIGHT.  I went over and in a few moments added additional flowers, moved the bow to perch on the side and changed it from perfect symmetry to simply balanced.  All of a sudden it was cute instead of precise, and she was thrilled.  "HOW do you DO that?"   That was the beginning point, my perfectly precise friend G needed me, she NEEDED me to mess her up a bit.

We all have something to offer, even to those ladies who we admire too much to approach. Remembering my recent conversation,  I am a bit wistful now, thinking of the friendships that could have been forged, the blessings that could have been given and received. I'm going to send her a note today and admit that I've had her on a pedestal for too long, but that if she wants me, I will be her friend.    

from the mouths of babes...

so let me tell you about yesterday.

Yesterday was a "long" town day, a chemo day for my mom. We drop her off and then stay in town all day long (yesterday was 9:30 -5:00).  Also, Jonny was sick, had had ear aches for two nights and then started a fever.  On the way to town I called the pediatrician to get an appointment and was given one for 3:45!  Uck, not only going around all day with a sick kid, but now I'm going to be on the other side of the city when it was time to pick up mom.  I decided instead to try the MedExpress walk-in clinic.
Success!  In and out, examined, diagnosed, and prescriptions in hand in under 30 minutes.  Then I tried to call the pediatrician to cancel the afternoon appointment.  Ha.  Stayed on hold for 6 minutes and never got through.  Drove to the pharmacy to get Jonny's prescription filled, tried to call again.  This time on hold for 5 minutes, still not getting through.  Went into the pharmacy. First day of a brand new system.  It took 6-8 minutes per person for them to wait on the two people ahead of me. Finally our turn, Had to enter everything into the system, it kept spitting bits of info back out.  Finally got the script in and "started" our wait (after having been in there for 20 minutes already!).
Now comes the chorus of , "can we get bubble gum?" and, "I want jelly beans!" and, "Mom, can I go look at  ____?"
"NO!  NO you may not, you may all go sit down over there!"

and so they did. And then they started to play rock, paper, scissors. "Rock, paper, scissors, Shoot!"  "Rock, Paper, Scissors, SHOOT!"    "ROCK, PAPER, SCISSORS, SHOOT!"

Oh my goodness!  be quiet, Be Quiet, BE QUIET!

Finally they called my name, I go up to counter and the lady says, "ok, they will mix it up, it will be just a moment."   My head is spinning... why did you call my name if it's not actually ready???
And then trying to check out, remember, new system.  I was buying the prescription as well as some ibuprofen and apparently the computer didn't like the order in which she scanned the items.  It took two people multiple tries to complete the transaction. Meantime of course, since we are ready to go, the kids are up and starting to wander again (not their fault, I had told them, "that's us, come on.").  Finally, actually walking out of the store.
Now to try again to call and cancel the afternoon appointment.  This time after 4 minutes on the automated hold, a real person picks up!  and asks me to hold for a moment.  UGH!  She comes back on and I tell her that ALL I want to do is cancel an appointment.  So now we do the whole thing in reverse.  Name, date of birth, address, etc... and I'm just seething.  I didn't HAVE to waste 15+ minutes of my time and my phone minutes (yes, I'm still that old fashioned, I don't do cell phones so I have a pre-paid where minutes actually cost me) just to be polite and call and cancel this.  Grrr... I try to be nice and do the right thing and this is what I get.
 Now it's 11 am and we haven't even gotten to the library yet, all this time just to do the doctor and the pharmacy.  I just want to go home, but I can't.  I feel like I should stay in town handy in case they call from the doctor while mom's getting the chemo.  Also, the gas to drive over, drive home, then drive over again, and drive home again really adds up.  As we drive, I give the kids a good, long, lecture about being quiet when I say to be quiet and if they can't hear how loud they are then they just need to be silent!

Make it to the Library.  Everyone has to go to the bathroom. Of course.

Great, Joey just comes out of the bathroom with blood dripping down his hand.
 The band-aid came off of his finger and a cut from Sunday busted open.  Now we all get to trek back out to the car so I can try and tape him up.  The good news is I have a supply of steri-strips out there from the last chemo day when Jessi split her knee open on a brick.  The bad news is there is nothing to cut it with so I have an entire 6 inch surgical strip taped up one side of his finger and back down the other side.

11:25 am and we finally cross through the lobby and into the actual book portion of the library.  20 whole minutes of quiet before it's time to leave to go meet a friend and deliver eggs, then go to lunch.

Time to leave already, step into the used bookstore room, the girls want these two books and Joey wants this one, but we only have a dollar.  Out to the van, give him .25 to go back in and get his book, we'll pick you up at the entrance once I have everyone else buckled.
Now back on the road, everyone buckled and all I hear is, "let me see the book, I'm the one who wanted it!"  "read it to me", "I can't see the pictures when you hold it like that."

EVERYONE STOP NOW!!

So they all quiet down and I drive on, thinking, "I can't do this, I'm going nuts.  this schedule is nuts, life is nuts, all these appointments are nuts, trying to do school like this is not working. None of this is working, I can't do this!"
I break out of this mire of thoughts when I hear Jonny call me, with urgency in his voice, "Mommy!"  I turn slightly to see him, "God has chosen YOU!" he pronounces without hesitation, using a voice of authority.

Wow.  I know that this was one of his most recent memory verses from Rainbow class, but wow.
Um, Lord, is that you?  Are you trying to say something to me?

Now I don't want to get into the theology of whether or not God actually sent the cancer and the earaches and the cut finger and the 15 minutes on hold, but I do know that I belong to him and since these are my circumstances, they belong to him too.

God has chosen you.  I don't think that I am somehow special (in a good or bad way) and that because of this, God chose me to "handle" all the stuff that we are going through now. In fact, I grow weary of people telling me how they couldn't do it and they don't see how I do.  Um, honey, it's not a choice...I just do it. But really, if there was an option "b" and I missed it, please let me know!   Here is what I do think:  I think that God knows me, he knows my weaknesses, he knew the challenges, he knows how I "handle" things (and it isn't pretty much of the time) and yet, he chose me anyway.
Not that he chose me for these circumstances, but that he chose me even though he knew that these circumstances were coming.
He chose me even though he knew I get stressed out, I holler at my kids because they were being kids and playing rock paper scissors too enthusiastically.
He chose me even though I get frazzled and just want to turn in my resignation if only I could figure out who to submit it to.
God has chosen YOU.
Bad attitude, short tempered, nervous wreck, worry wart, controlling, nagging, ..whatever you think about yourself, whatever your fall-back reaction to bad circumstances is, he chose you anyway.  Chose to save you, love you, redeem you, use you.
That's the one that always amazes me.  How on earth could God, knowing what he knows about me, still choose  me?
Takes my breath away.

"Mommy!  God has chosen YOU!"    

Black Holes

"Mommy!  I don't want to go into outer space. I'm too little, and they have big black holes that shrink you down."

The things that come out of a newly turned 4 year old's mouth.

This statement came at me completely out of the blue the other day.  Obviously it had been on his mind, and finally it worried him enough to leave his toys and come to tell me.  

I assured him that we were not going into outer space anytime soon and that it wasn't anything we needed to worry about today. In fact, it was not something he ever had to do if he didn't want to, but maybe when he was a big man, he would reconsider. 

Reassured,  he turned away to go play.  As I watched him go,  I thought (or more likely, God reminded me) of how often we are fearful of things that we haven't even been asked to face yet. 

Trust me, I know that life throws curve balls. I'm in the middle of an extremely curvy curve ball (or something, perhaps I should avoid sport metaphors) right now.  The funny/ironic thing is that of all the things I've worried about, this was never one of them!  

I joke that worrying must work, after all, if 95% of what we worry about never happens, it actually works very well!  But really, we have to realize that worrying eats away at us, distracts us from what we should be doing or what we would rather be doing, and doesn't really serve to prepare us for a problem anyway. 

What about the things that we ARE facing?  Not imaginary outer space trips, but very real, very present, black holes that threaten to swallow us and shrink us down. Oh my sweet friends, I'm not just spouting platitudes here; I've faced it. I'm facing it. Worries come, they do, it's simply a fact.  But what do we do with them?  Do we let them consume us?  Or do we run and tell the Lord?  

The Scripture says it better than I can; however, I can stand and give a witness as to the validity of these promises. 

Psalm 55:22 Cast your cares upon Lord Jehovah and he will support you, and he will never give terror to his righteous ones.  (Aramaic Bible in Plain English)

I Peter 5:6-7 So, humble yourselves under God’s strong hand, and in his own good time he will lift you up. You can throw the whole weight of your anxieties upon him, for you are his personal concern. (J.B. Phillips NT)

Never. To Anyone. Ever.

There has been a little "inspirational picture" floating around face book recently and within the past month I've seen it appear on several friend's walls.  The first time I saw it, I winced, but ignored it. Then the second time, and subsequent times, I really wanted to comment but I knew that comments would have the potential to blow up and cause a mess.  While I like a good discussion, I do prefer to keep it in my own space rather than take a mess to someone else's wall.
However, at this point, I've seen it enough times that I really want to share my thoughts on it.

The picture has several versions but the words are the same on all of them. They are:

"Don't talk bad about your husband. To anyone. Ever."

Now this is where I assure my friends who posted this, I am not picking on you.  I know you well enough to know where your heart was when you posted it.  To be honest, I mostly agree with the statement.  My problem comes with the absolutes at the end.  

None of us are married to perfect men, however, many of my friends are blessed to be married to pretty good ones.  So, in our case, the statement simply serves as a reminder to keep our petty moaning to ourselves.  (See my post from several weeks ago, R-E-S-P-E-C-T)

However, none of us know the entire story of what goes on behind closed doors in anyone else's marriage. I don't think any of us has the right or authority to make such an absolute statement.  

I can hear the disagreements, "Jody, you are taking this too literally, you know what is meant by this, why do you have to pick everything apart?"

I'll tell you why; because there are certain sects within Christendom who DO teach this to its absolute, literal meaning.  They believe and teach with iron inflexibility that anything wrong within a marriage is the woman's problem and that the man is always right by virtue of being born with an X chromosome.  For women stuck within sects that teach this, to see such statements blithely plastered up by other christian women who they know and respect simply adds another layer to their bondage. 

Let me suggest some alternatives, although I know they would never reach meme status because they aren't attention grabbing enough. 

" Avoid talking badly about your husband." (see I even fixed the adverb issue)

"Carefully consider before you make any negative remarks about your husband."

"Speak respectfully to and about your husband at all times." 

I would also like to offer some examples of how and why it IS ok to sometimes say negative things about your husband.

1. First rule of course is to consider to whom you are speaking. I'm not every advocating to randomly run your mouth about your husband.  Trusted friends who know your heart AND who are brave enough to speak back to you in truth and love are the only ones who should hear these comments. 

2. Sharing the things that you think are wrong with your husband can result in these sisters sharing back that their husbands do them too!  You are not alone, your husband isn't some moron/monster who is trying to make you crazy... he's simply a man.  This can be a huge relief!  Many of us in the circles where this statement would be popular do not have extensive experience with men and haven't had numerous adult male/female relationships.  It's entirely possible and probable that your man is simply being a man and you need to know that. But if you keep it bottled up inside and never tell anyone your frustrations, you'll never find out.  To find out that other couples who you know and admire have the same issues can be extremely freeing. 

I wonder how many marriages that come apart so "suddenly" have been quietly breaking for years and if one member had ever felt free to ask for help, the marriage could have been saved.

3. You may find out that your fears are founded in truth. You may share issues and be counseled that no, this is NOT normal or acceptable; Your husband is wrong/sinful.  If you have chosen wisely in step number one, this revelation will come accompanied with guidance and support as you consider what to do next. 

4. Without exposing sin, repentance and healing can not come. I have a friend whose husband was in sin.  She kept it hidden for years. Being the good wife, covering for him, taking the blame herself, doing ALL the things that good christian wives are "supposed" to do.  Finally she realized that her marriage was over no matter what she did, so she brought it to light.  Because she was willing to risk the embarrassment (and the possibility of being rejected), the sin was exposed,  repentance was real, accountability was demanded, and support was given. The marriage was saved, the family restored.  Yes, much of this success was because of the response of leaders of whom help was requested, but without the wife stepping forward and breaking the taboo, none of it would have happened. 

5. There is another scenario. The wife truly is living in a deplorable situation and the husband simply isn't going to change. There is no spirit of repentance, ALL of the burden of making the marriage work is on her. I have at least one friend in this situation. To apply the rule of "never, to anyone, ever." would sentence her to a fate of carrying this burden alone, for years.  I truly think that this is cruel and not supported in scripture anywhere. No it doesn't give her an excuse to bad-mouth him to all and sundry, and the lady I am thinking of right now does not. But without the support and love of others I don't think she would have the emotional stamina to persevere for years upon years of living in the emotional hell she does. 

Ladies, sisters, I'm not scolding anyone for posting this type of little picture, but please, take a second thought about what it might be saying to someone who is in a different marriage situation than you are.  Do you really want to be hanging a sign that says, "Don't come to me, I don't want to hear about your problems."  If your marriage is good enough that you can post such a thing, then perhaps you have some wisdom to share and some lessons to be passed on to others who aren't there yet. Perhaps you have some love and support to offer to those who will never, through no fault of their own, be in that place.  Don't shut them out. 

Rock Hard Hamburger

There is no way to describe the complete events of the past two and a half weeks.  Suffice it to say that my Mom (who lives with us) was diagnosed two and a half weeks ago with a rare and seriously aggressive form of cancer. Less than a week after diagnosis, she went through major surgery. Next was 6 days in the hospital and then transferred to a skilled nursing facility for physical therapy.
After four days in the rehab facility, I removed her due to negligence and poor care. I can't say too much about it all because of pending state investigation, but by the time I got her home last night I was shaking and wrung out.

3+ hours of facing down intimidation and belligerence from the facility staff, with all my four kids there.  Jonny (3 year old) shut his hand in the door once--much screaming, then a while later hit his face so hard he got a nosebleed.
I don't know if I've ever been so emotionally railroaded as I was during this encounter.  One tiny example is that the facility director came in and was so understanding, talked about how much she understood and supported this decision, even broke into tears. Then 10 minutes later was cutting and derogatory, then a while after that was back to compassionate and apologetic.  I finally told her to please stop the games and just do her job which is to try and keep me from leaving, and I'll do my job which is to care for my mom. A whole parade of people, some playing good cop, some playing bad cop, marching through to badger me.

The closest I can describe how I felt last night is to say that I was "emotional hamburger."  Completely and utterly ground up and spit out. Shaking, weak, not an ounce of form or substance left. Attacked on both fronts; guilt for putting my mom into such a place in the first place, and then the added strain of having all my kids there during this whole fiasco.  The little ones were bored, the big ones understood enough to know that people were mad and trying to not let us bring their grandmother home and they were frightened.

And yet, somehow, with a strength that was not mine,  I did it. I faced down the nurses, the directors, the slick doctor (who has mastered double talk and lies at a level I'd previously never seen), and I had the presence of mind to attach my own notes to records, to number pages, to write on their official forms that my notes should be attached and my signature was invalid without the additional attached pages.
It's not like I have previously planned out how to break my mother out of a medical facility, but the presence of mind was supernatural.
I'm afraid that my words are failing me today and I may not be communicating correctly, so let me say again, this was not me.  I was emotionally distraught, physically shaking, but under the hamburger of me, was the Rock of the Lord.  Calmness, clarity of thought, persistence... all came flowing in from above.

I have been surrounded and supported by prayer since the first day that I posted about the cancer diagnosis. I felt the love and care of others and the strength from God since day one, but yesterday afternoon was a whole new thing.

An interesting (to me at least) thing is the contrast between the care that mom has received from all other medical personnel involved. I've been praising God for the utmost high standard of care she has gotten from her surgeon, and from the hospital staff. I have been amazed and humbled by the personal level of care she has gotten from her other physicians not directly involved with the cancer treatment but with her other medical issues.  For instance, her Nephrologist came in to the hospital personally, EVERY day to monitor her kidneys and blood pressure problems.  So to come from such an amazingly high quality of care to outright incompetence and negligence was disturbing and overwhelming.
But here's the thing, even with everything that was wrong, she did not come to actual harm (although I truly believe she could have/would have had we not been there every day for hours at a time to monitor things).   I think that we have now experienced both the best AND worst care scenarios and I have seen that God was there during both sets of circumstances.  How beautiful is that?!  How comforting! What an assurance.

Throughout it all, I've been surrounded by loving friends, by family, by my sister sharing the load of care, by my amazing husband taking over everything at home. Yesterday though, I was on my own. My sister was five hours away, I didn't have any friends phone numbers with me, I tried calling mom's other doctors for guidance and although I have always been able to reach them, yesterday I couldn't get anyone.
It was just me.
And I experienced the reality that when it's down to just me, and I don't have anyone else to help, God is there; solid, sure, steadfast.

I needed that, I'm amazed, and I'm thankful.